The gift of time

This is a weird season of life, I'm not gonna lie. I've put a lot of energy into trying to find a job that will pay enough of the bills that I can cover the rest by teaching piano, and in the process have knocked on some weird doors and struggled with fighting off deep waves of inadequacy. On the one hand I'm loving getting to (mostly) loaf about, putter with my creative pursuits, and gulp books. On the other, I'm starting to grow restless and feel that in order to prove I can do something other than hide overseas I must have a job. Plus, I can't wait to have my own domain again--that's a hard thing to give up after 9 years. So, while I splash bits of myself all over East Texas trying to convince people that I'm worth a look and while I wait for the silent phone to ring, I've been trying to ask myself what is God trying to whisper to me through the churning emotions, the quiet days, the drifting feeling of purposelessness.

I don't for an instant pretend I've got it all figured out, or even the inklings I'm getting figured out well, but I think a part of this season is that God is giving me the gift of time. I've been working through the P31 On-line bible study of Lysa Terkeurst's newest book, It's Not Supposed to be This Way. Talk about relevant! And one of the things she said, was that working through a tragedy takes more time. And while my new chapter of life is a precious, precious gift that I didn't think I'd ever be given, there is some mess to work through in this complicated gift. There is hurt, there is pain, there is loss, there is fear, and there are repercussions emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I'm reminded vividly again what interconnected people we are--how long years of physical exhaustion play into and alongside long years of emotional exhaustion which affect my spiritual life.

Probably a reason I haven't found a job yet is because my body is worn out and needs a break from the abuse it's been put through for the last several years. Probably a reason I haven't found a job yet is because my emotions are still swinging around and my heart needs some space to grieve while also hesitantly beginning to bloom and rejoice in the freedom it hasn't known for years. Probably a reason I haven't found a job yet is because I need a little time to not be overwhelmed with serving so I can get an idea of what a healthy life balance might look like, so I will be wiser in setting boundaries and finding new ways to participate in the Kingdom work that is so important to me. Maybe a reason I haven't found a job yet is because of how deeply my self worth is tied to being employed and overused, and God is asking me to remember that He doesn't love my doing, but me.

So, I'm trying to hustle where I need to to find employment so I'm not a drag on my family and friends, and at the same time value this holiday, this so needed season of holiday, for what it is teaching me. I'm trying to remember that the fact that my story is a little harder to fit into the uniformly shaped box does not mean that it's unwanted. And, I'm trying to sift through all the rubble and growth, pain and joy, and see my Savior's presence in all the small things as well as trumpeted through the large. He has given me the gift of time, and I intend to with thanks and praise use it.