Angry

Last night I was livid.

Banging student papers onto their desks, violently straightening furniture, banging doors, and muttering words that good teachers don't say.

I was angry because of yet another betrayal, and because I feel change desperately needs to happen and I had let myself hope for just a moment that maybe, just maybe this time something was going to be done. And then the familiar pattern feel into place, and I was left knitting like my life depended on it so the words coursing through my soul wouldn't spill out and get me into any more trouble.

I've been thinking about it a lot as I cried a little last night, and as I was still so upset that I had to leave breakfast for a moment this morning as I fought back tears. Do I have any right to be angry? Am I in the wrong here? Do I actually know anything about kids and what they need? Am I wrong to want this change? Is God's law being broken? Are kids being hurt? Would it just be better to quietly knuckle under as I have so many other times because I am so, so tired of fighting?

If I didn't honestly believe that the people I'm staring across the room at honestly want what is best for the kids I'd have to walk away right now. So, it isn't just neglect that I'm fighting here. I know that some of them are good at getting to the bottom of kid's needs, and that they can fill gaps and holes that I just can't with my responsibilities and relationship to them.

But the answer to some of those questions is yes.

I'm not livid anymore, just so, so weary and burdened. Because, I think I have to continue this fight. I think if I don't keep fighting this, my already compromised soul integrity is going to get to the level where I can't face myself in the mirror anymore.

Lord, if Your law is being broken, if Your children are being harmed, and I do nothing, I am beyond guilty. Lord, if I fight because of my pride, reputation, and because of my wisdom, I will be broken and accomplish nothing. Lord, if this is indeed the battle you have picked for me, give me strength to stand up for the helpless and the courage to with love insist on right. Make Your will clear to me, and may I fight with integrity and for Your honor and glory, not to protect my reputation and wants.

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