Choosing to Forgive, Part 1

I was talking with Ruthie yesterday about a co-worker's health struggle and the pressure she has been under from other co-workers to take a drastic and irrevocable step that would have lasting emotional impact to solve it. One of the preassurers has caused me a lot of pain with they way they constantly minimize and dismiss the struggles and suffering of others, including me. In the car on the way to church this morning, this person mentioned they were raised to downplay injury and illness (as was I), and it occurred to me that this might be a piece of the story of who this person is, as well as a danger of teaching kids that Christians don't suffer big.

While there is a lot of value to teaching kids to suck it up (as I have seen and dealt with lots of kids who can't handle anything without a meltdown or massive production), I am realizing more and more how careful I need to be about dealing with kid's pain, because how I handle them will set patterns for how they handle others. There is a fine line between calling legitimate BS and telling someone that what they are feeling shouldn't matter. There are hypochondriacs who need to be helped towards a more healthy view of themselves, and people who need to be mourned with because they are going through some tough stuff. Feelings are indicators, and are often not based in reality and thus can't be blindly trusted, but they are valid, and to dismiss them as nonsense is a serious lack of compassion. Teaching kids that nothing is worth fussing over could set them up to be unsympathetic adults who stomp through life wounding people with their ingrained mindset that sufferers must be weak, morally deficient, or lesser. Kyrie eleison!

The pain and suffering of others is deeply uncomfortable, and most people mean well enough, but they are so desperate to package it up into something small and brush offable that they are quickly identified as 'unsafe' people--people you can't be honest with. I am learning that it takes a good deal of courage to be vulnerable enough with someone to be honest about my pain, because I have felt so dismissed any time I let on that I am not okay--and I have not been okay in one way or another for a lot of the last three and a half years. Because I have not lessened my duties, whined excessively, or functioned less, I must be fine! And since I'm *fine*, because I need to be fine to protect other's emotions and accomplish what they want me to, any suggestions that I'm not okay must be quickly swept away.

Some things in life won't feel better after five minutes, a week, or even a year. And God forgive me for the times I have marginalized other's pain and further reinforced the message that good Christians don't have big or potentially unsolvable problems.

Most of the time, I have found the most significant thing someone can do for me, is to A) acknowledge my circumstances, and B) say a simple variant of "I'm sorry for your struggle/pain; that must be hard." I don't need solutions, reasons why it isn't all that bad really, or be thankful it's not worse! scenarios. I am working on solutions, it really IS that bad because it impacts my life every day, and yes of course I'm glad it's not worse, that that doesn't make right now, this moment, fun. And that is okay. It is okay for this moment to not be okay, because in this story of life we are all writing, God uses our suffering to equip us to comfort others and to purify us and make Him more like His Son. It is okay for the journey to be messy, for people to handle things with greater or lesser strength, because in a fallen world full of pain, there is no one way to walk through.

So, I am working on finding a new lens to look at this person through. They have probably never been allowed the privilege of vulnerability and been taught that it is wrong, so why would they offer it to me? How can I let me newfound awareness of being minimized help me see this person with more compassion? How can I let their insensitivity hurt me less, and cause me to give more grace? How can I as a teacher better demonstrate compassion and a healthier way to deal with the sufferings of others?

Lord, help me to pull this new lens in place when I am tempted to be hurt and angered by others. Help me to put myself in their shoes, as I wish they would put themselves in mine. Help me to offer compassion even in the face of misunderstanding and pain. Help me to comfort others in their suffering, and to be a safe person for others to vulnerable to. Help me not to judge the size and severity of other's problems through my own eyes, but meet all with grace and compassion.