Choosing to Forgive, Part 2

Yesterday I did one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life, which was tell my church a little of how they had hurt me, and why my concerns about that group of believers had made it clear that I needed to find another church. This is the same church that I thought was closing a year ago (Oh how I wished it had--it would have made my life significantly more simple!). God's law was not broken in any significant way, but it was no longer healthy for me to go there. As I continue to work through recovering from the trauma of my last four years, it has become very clear that an important part of restoration would be to find a new, living church family where I would both grow and serve without being used or stifled. So, I have started the process of looking for a church family to join. I have been really enjoying a Presbyterian congregation on my side of town, but I want to visit a few other churches before I make my final decision.

One of the reasons why I stood there before those people, trembling, feeling sick with fear, and on the brink of tears, is because I believe firmly that they deserved to know some of why I was leaving, and how they did not support me in a meaningful way while I was overseas. They deserved the truth, and so I could release not just more of the crushing burden of legalism that came with the last several years of my church/work life, but also the hurt of people who (even still!) weren't concerned enough about me to ask why I left the mission field. I needed to face to face tell them thank you for the good, this is what wasn't so great, I forgive you, and in the Lord's leading it is time for me to move on.

I am constantly amazed how the Lord gives grace to the hard obediences in my life. How once I stop whining, trying to get out of it, and decide to suck up what courage and faith I have and start doing, He blesses those first steps no matter how feeble, and enables me to continue. The conversation was pretty brutal, but I delivered it with as much truth and compassion as I knew how, I was met with truth and compassion. I was terrified that someone might lash out at me in anger, but no one did. I was terrified I would dissolve into tears and be unable to say what was necessary. And that didn't happen. It cost me to obey, but the immediate reward was peace, and an almost physical level of release from the dread of the conversation. I no longer have to worry about doing that particular hard thing, and I am not free in good conscious to pursue another church family.

So, step by step I rebuild. There are still lots of emotions swirling around through my life, but I haven't felt so free in years. I haven't felt so me, so full of possibilities, and so hopeful for the future. This season is intense, but I am so thankful for this complex, multilayered gift the Lord has given me. And pray that He will keep showing me where I need to let go and forgive, as I would have Him forgive me.