My Journey of Redemption

I have been lapping up all the documentaries and material on the Apollo 11 moon landing 50 years ago that I can get my hands on, and a thread I had never really thought about before, but was brought to my awareness after reading Carrying the Fire by Michael Collins started to really stand out to me. As you watch the documentaries it is obvious that the moon landing was not just a massive scientific endeavor, but it was a political move as well as an attempt to bolster American moral and assert dominance. A theme that comes up repeatedly is the public's questioning of the monetary cost that was going into testing, building, and manning the missions to the moon. The concern that the money could have been spent better in other places, and that even if we succeeded (which was not a guarantee), that the gains made from that feat would not be worth the million dollar price tag. But, quietly, because it isn't paired with loud images of protest and discontent, come the words of th

Dear family, friends, or home church, Hi, it’s me, your returning missionary. There is no standard story of why and when someone’s time on the mission field comes to an end, just as there will be a period of transition. There are some things that you should know about what’s likely going on in my life right now, and some things to think about in how you help me restart in my home country. Know that no matter who I am, I need prayer, support, and extra grace not just from you, but to be reminded to be gracious to myself as I navigate this season of life. I might be discouraged, emotional, and overwhelmed in ways that change from day to day, but with the Lord’s help, some time, and the loving support of God’s people, I’ll make it through. One of the first things you need to understand, is while there is a big difference between whether I chose to, needed to, or was forced to leave the mission field, that process was a big stress. There was probably more things I wanted to get do

It’s amazing to me to think that angels look on humans and God’s dealings with them in wonder and awe. Angels. Perfect, eternal, awesome beings, who look at us temporal, imperfect, not awesome people, and marvel. Marvel at the plan of salvation created for us. We don’t know exactly when angels were created, but their very name tells us their purpose—messengers and servants of God. Humans were created as the culmination of God’s physical creation, and we were created for the purpose of having relationship with God, and through conformity to Him not only living our best lives, but also bringing glory to God. God made us not because he needed us, but because He desired relationship. A creation that would be like Him, could relate to Him, and would have the freedom to chose to move beyond situation, instinct, and background, to choose God. Man has a brief lifespan on this earth to find out who God is, why we need Him, and to choose what they will do with this knowledge. And therei

This is a weird season of life, I'm not gonna lie. I've put a lot of energy into trying to find a job that will pay enough of the bills that I can cover the rest by teaching piano, and in the process have knocked on some weird doors and struggled with fighting off deep waves of inadequacy. On the one hand I'm loving getting to (mostly) loaf about, putter with my creative pursuits, and gulp books. On the other, I'm starting to grow restless and feel that in order to prove I can do something other than hide overseas I must have a job. Plus, I can't wait to have my own domain again--that's a hard thing to give up after 9 years. So, while I splash bits of myself all over East Texas trying to convince people that I'm worth a look and while I wait for the silent phone to ring, I've been trying to ask myself what is God trying to whisper to me through the churning emotions, the quiet days, the drifting feeling of purposelessness. I don't for an insta

Yesterday I did one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life, which was tell my church a little of how they had hurt me, and why my concerns about that group of believers had made it clear that I needed to find another church. This is the same church that I thought was closing a year ago (Oh how I wished it had--it would have made my life significantly more simple!). God's law was not broken in any significant way, but it was no longer healthy for me to go there. As I continue to work through recovering from the trauma of my last four years, it has become very clear that an important part of restoration would be to find a new, living church family where I would both grow and serve without being used or stifled. So, I have started the process of looking for a church family to join. I have been really enjoying a Presbyterian congregation on my side of town, but I want to visit a few other churches before I make my final decision. One of the reasons why I stood

If I have learned anything about being a human for just over three decades, it is that life is complicated. Really complicated. Few events are limited to just one or two emotions or thoughts, and few things are as simple as we long for them to be. It would be so easy if we could just slap a label or two on everything—good—happy. Bad—sad. Easy—enjoyment. Hard—determination. But even good things are often mingled with worries, fears, or regrets. Bad things can be shot through with strands of hope and joy. Part of the great gift of humanity is our ability to see more than just what is happening, but to experience the whole tapestry of life. Leaving the mission field (for now anyway!) was both the hardest and the easiest thing I have ever done. I’ve been told by more than one person that it was really brave of me to leave. On the one hand, yes, I guess it did take a lot of courage to admit that things weren’t right and I needed to leave, and to know that leaving meant walking